Dear Guarded One,
I know the walls around your heart are tall and thick. They are impenetrable. And they should be because you laid every brick and smoothed every piece of mortar yourself. Each brick you laid you felt the fear of pain dwindling. The higher the wall became the safer you were. As the walls around your heart rose you saw control re-entering your life. You saw your wounded heart hiding safely behind the walls you built to protect yourself. And once your walls were high enough you picked up your armor and looked every intruder in the eyes and let our your war cry because never again would another soul hurt you the way that person did.
Maybe that person that tore your heart to shreds was a parent or maybe a best friend. Maybe it was a boyfriend or a cousin. Maybe it was a teacher or a coach. No matter who it was you let them too close, and you weren’t making that mistake again.
Maybe the first brick was laid after your parent’s divorce or the first time your dad hit you or your mom verbally abused you. Maybe you laid that first brick after your boyfriend cheated on you or pressured you into throwing all your morals out the window for the four letter word every woman longs to hear, love. Or maybe it was laid after your best friend told your secret she swore she never would.
Maybe it was much deeper than that. Maybe it was when that person touched you in the dark of night while you were sleeping or when your ‘no’ didn’t stop anything. When your screams for help went unanswered. No one was there to help then, so you had to protect yourself. There was no other option…
Whatever happened to make you take up your guard, it hurt. You let your guard down and you were hit. Hit hard and by someone you trusted. You let them into the confines of your heart and they obviously walked straight past the sign that read, “Fragile, handle with care” as they fired their shots into your unguarded heart.
It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t okay. What they did made fear and pain a thick fragrance that followed you like the plague. Who knew these things could weigh on a young girl so much? The weight you’ve carried as you’ve handled every blow to your heart is indescribable. The amount of darts you’ve thrown to ward off intruders would put American settlers to shame…
But as I type of this I hear the Father saying, “There is no need for you to fight. This isn’t your battle. When you chose to come to Me, your heart became Mine to guard. You are safe here with Me. Let’s take apart this fortress brick by brick. I won’t bulldoze it. Piece by piece we will take this down, together. I won’t move a single brick until you are ready. And as you allow Me in I will encircle you in the shadow of My wings. I know for so long you felt like you were the only one who could protect yourself, but let Me come and do what only I can do. My beloved, lay your armor down. You are so beautiful without your armor on.”
You may be thinking, “Yeah right, I’m not letting anyone one in especially not God. He had a chance to defend me when my walls weren’t down and He didn’t. Why didn’t He? Where was He then?” Look, I have been there. I said these things when I first came to Jesus and many times since then. I knew I needed a Savior, but I was scared to have a Healer; a Restorer because He needed to be closer to do those jobs. I was terrified to let Him in. I remember bawling in my room as I laid it all on the table to God. If He really was my Defender then where was He when I needed Him most? I remained guarded for months even after I got saved.
I was scared to allow God in. I was scared He wouldn’t defend my fragile heart as well as I could with my fortress I’d built. But with each kind word He spoke to me, with each tender embrace, with each moment of lavished love my wall came down brick by brick. As time went on my trust in this good Father grew. As time passed I saw His character stood the test of time. He truly was a good God in an imperfect world. Just because bad things happened to me didn’t mean that God wasn’t good. He never changed, my circumstances did. (If you are struggling with believing that God is good because bad things happen read more on my thoughts of that here. It’s something I grappled with for a long time too.) He was willing to take the time to prove that He was worthy of my trust. He is ready to get dirty as you tear down the guard around your heart together. You don’t have to hide from God; rather you can hide in Him.
You see sweet friend your vulnerability is beautiful. His eyes are on you constantly in the most kind and loving way. He knows every detail of you. He knows every blow to your heart. He knows every wound. He sees every fear and He beacons you in so He can pour healing oil on that infected wound. But He can’t do that with your armor on. You must put your defenses down. Because believe it or not, He is your Defender. He sees that sign that says, “Fragile, handle with care” and He takes note. He doesn’t force Himself in. He doesn’t come in like a wrecking ball. No. He knows you are wounded and need time to heal and He’s willing to wait because friend YOU ARE WORTH IT.
You are worthy of a whole and healed heart. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of freedom from your fortress. It’s so lonely there. You are worthy of loving relationships here on earth. And you will get all of these things if you first allow yourself to be vulnerable with the Father.
Because friend, you are beautiful without your armor on. Vulnerability looks radiant on you.